Eyeball Lie Detector – No More Need for Trail, No Convictions of
By Dalton Roberts
Did you read about that new gizmo that can look into your eyes and tell when you are lying? After all the traumatic
change we’ve been through lately, I hate to tell you but we haven’t seen anything yet. If the use of that machine
becomes mandatory, it will turn the world upside down.
How can they not make it mandatory? What’s more important to our survival than knowing when people are telling the
No more terrorists seizing planes. Each person coming on a plane will be asked, “Are you a terrorist? Do you
plan to seize this plane?” When their eyes pulse out a “boing boing,” they will be handcuffed immediately
and hauled off to Guantanamo. At that moment the scripture shall be fulfilled — the one saying it’s just as bad
to think something as to do it. There will be no need to examine luggage or run people through metal detectors. How
can such a device be anything but good?
There will be no more need for trials of suspected criminals and absolutely no more convictions of the innocent.
Just ask, “Did you do this?” and look into the eyes. Then it’s straight home or straight to the big house.
Anything that replaces lawyers can’t be all bad.
They will surely have a little portable eyeball gizmo you can carry with you to the doctor so you can hold it up
to his eyes when you ask, “Do I really need this operation?” Boing, boing boing! Anything that keeps you
from being split open like a watermelon can’t be all bad.
There will be no more adulterers running free. When your darling comes home and says he has been working late at
the office, hold the marital eyeball gizmo to their peepers. Who will go for the hanky-panky when they are positive
they will be caught? Anything that keeps those sweet things out of the arms of beer-breathed honky-tonk hussies and
cozied up at home with their own adorable companions…now tell me, can that be all bad?
Teachers will certainly be equipped with them. If such a diagnostic tool had been available when I was in school,
I would have been expelled in the first grade instead of the tenth. “Dalton, do you like school? Are you going
to be a good boy? Did you pull Alice’s hair? Did you put that frog in my desk drawer?” Right there’s four loud
boings and I’m back home at downtown Watering Trough with my Mama and good dog, Brownie.
With unbridled confidence in our free enterprise system, I am certain they will eventually come up with a “new
and improved” model that will shoot you right between the eyes when you lie to it. Talk about population control!
But can’t we agree that anything capable of thinning out the liars in our midst can’t be all bad? Like me, I am sure
you know some people who will still lie to the “new and improved” model. I had an uncle like that. He just
loved lying. A little bullet between the eyes wouldn’t register one tiny tremor of fear on his Richter Scale.
The bad news, folks, is that it would take laws and laws are made by politicians. They cannot and will not allow
it. Think of the boing boings we would have heard in the Clinton years alone. And when Dubyah was asked about his
wild and wooly college years. Gary Condit would now be known as “Mr. Boing Boing.”
It’s just awful to get so excited about the possibilities of such an advanced piece of equipment, and then realize
it can never have the wide application it richly merits. Even something that could stop terrorist hijackings must
go the way of the buffalo.
Tell me before we kiss the eyeball lie detector goodbye. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see that new and improved model
used on Condit?
All Articles Copyright by Dalton Roberts
Dalton Roberts is a singer and songwriter and an excellent musician. He has a great sense of humor which shines in his writings. As an entertainer his poetry, and philosophical nature offers wonderful spiritual insights.
For more about Dalton Roberts, please visit his web site.
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